Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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