I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
