my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
