Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
