we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
