You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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