I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
