i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
