P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
