Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
