Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
