So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
As shirtless as possible
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
