We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
