Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
A bitchslap is in order.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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