There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
