Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
either way he was missing a nipple.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
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