So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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