It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize