In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
