Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
