remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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