I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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