Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
