I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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