The maid of honor just puked.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
