I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize