Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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