true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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