so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
