White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize