So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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