Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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