i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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