when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I will be naked everywhere
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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