ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
