I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
