Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
