Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
