i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
