Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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