I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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