carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
