If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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