I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
