Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
