i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
