you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
