Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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