Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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