Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
