if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
