farters have to be the big spoon...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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