My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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