I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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