god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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