if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
