we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
