Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
