apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
