so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
