just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
